What It Really Means To Be A Pastor's Wife

Do you know what it means to be a pastor’s wife? Until July 2022 I had absolutely no idea!

I mean, I had seen pastors and their wives my entire life because I grew up in church. I even spent time with my pastor’s wife overnight.

None of that prepared me for what it truly meant to be a pastor’s wife at all.

There are a few reasons for this, and in this blog post I’m going to try to explain what it really means to be a pastor’s wife in ministry.

Let’s get into it!

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The Endless And Ever-Changing Expectations

When I became a pastor’s wife, I knew that I had signed up for a full-time, committed church position. I also understood that there would be a number of expectations placed on me because I had fallen in love with the pastor.

I didn’t know, however, that these expectations would continuously change and would be never-ending.

These are a few of the expectations I have encountered in ministry:

You Have To Dress The Part:

As a pastor’s wife you are expected to look like one. This can differ from congregation to congregation, but for the most part you’re expected to:

wear long skirts or dresses,
wear a large hat with a feather/ flower attached (for many Pentecostal churches),
wear heels or closed-toe shoes because how dare your toes show, and
have a specific, wifely haircut that’s long, but not too long, and a bit short but not manly.

These expectations drove me crazy. Why? Because I had chosen to start dressing more comfortably for church.

That could mean wearing a long, wonderful maxi dress one day, or wearing a loose pair of pants when it got too hot.

As a pastor’s wife you are expected to embody a certain image within your church. This can be costly and difficult.

You Need To Be Approachable:

When you are married to the pastor, you need to be someone who others can talk to. This is a completely reasonable expectation, as the heart of the church.

But what exactly does being approachable mean?

Does it mean being someone that everyone is comfortable talking to about anything, any time? Or does it mean being available 24/7 and having zero time for yourself?

A pastor’s wife can experience either of two extremes, and it can be difficult to set up healthy boundaries because of this.

You Need To Attend Every Event:

I genuinely never realized just how many events a church could host until I married the pastor. Churches, whether big or small, can host anywhere from two to ten events per week.

These events can include, but are not limited to:

Bible studies,
Prayer meetings,
Women’s ministry meetings,
Men’s fellowship meetings,
Games nights,
Youth services,
Movies nights, and more.

As the pastor’s wife, you are expected to show up and show out for every single one of them. The only exception is perhaps if you are sick, or dealing with an enraged toddler or two.

You Need To Be Able To Play The Piano:

One of the funnier expectations I came across was the one where every pastor’s wife should play the piano. I mean, I can sing a song or two, but I can’t remember the last time I even saw a piano, much less played one.

Many pastor’s wives are welcomed into church then ceremoniously placed before the piano or organ. From there it becomes the unofficial job of the pastor’s wife to play during praise and worship.

Again, give me a microphone, and I might be able to lead some worship songs. The piano, and any other instrument, on the other hand, are hard no’s.

You Need To Be There For Your Husband:

I’ve written about this in other blog posts, which I’ll link Here and Here, about needing to support your pastor husband. There is nothing wrong with doing this, and I enjoy supporting my man.

Sometimes, though, it can be quite overwhelming when you are his constant source of support, yet feel like you’re alone. Many times I’ve seen people ask about the pastor, and what he needs.

It’s less common to ask about what the wife needs, and if she’s okay.

In an effort to fully support the man of God you’re married to, try to take care of yourself as well.

You Are Under Constant Scrutiny:

I think that this point goes hand in hand with dressing the part of a pastor’s wife. When you become the first lady, the amount of scrutiny you face increases tenfold.

Everyone is always looking at what you do, what you wear, what you say and exactly how you say it. Experiencing this on a weekly basis can take a huge tole of your physical and mental health.

There have been times where I have struggled to make decisions because I feared that someone might think of me in a specific way. After speaking with a few people at church I’ve also obsessed over the interaction, trying to figure out if I said or did anything that might offend.

Not every pastor’s wife will have this experience, and not every wife will struggle with these thoughts, though. This in and of itself is a good thing.

You Are Expected To Be A Role Model For Others:

I’ve spent a lot of time looking at posts from groups made up of pastor’s wives. One thing I’ve found is that as the wife of a minister you are indeed expected to be the perfect role model.

You are expected to never have days that go wrong, or days where you want to be alone. You’re also expected to be on top of your spiritual journey, and be a pillar of faith for others.

It wouldn’t be such a difficult expectation if you weren’t human, but you are. There are going to be days where you mess up, days where you’re spiritually weak, and days where you’d rather be anywhere but church.

You are a pastor’s wife, but you are a human being too. Placing this expectation of perfection on your shoulders can be a difficult weight to carry.

It takes a special woman to be a pastor’s wife, and a special heart to do it well.

What It Means To Be A Pastor’s Wife

I’ve talked about the endless expectations put on us as pastor’s wives. But what kind of person does it take to be a pastor’s wife?

And, again, what does being a pastor’s wife truly mean?

A Heart for Service:

To be a pastor’s wife, you need to have a heart of service. You need a heart that is willing to do more than just observe.

This doesn’t mean attending every single event, or spreading yourself thin. It means doing what you can for the Kingdom of God.

It takes a special person with a heart for service to willingly take on these tasks and serve others with love and grace.

A Strong Faith:

Being a pastor’s wife means you need to be willing to grow in your faith and learn more about leadership. It takes strong faith to support your spouse in their ministry and to be a role model for others in the church.

You don’t have to be perfect, and you don’t have to put on a facade. What you need is a heart that longs for the Lord.

As a pastor’s wife you must have a deep relationship with God and be able to lean on Him during the challenges that come with this role.

A Willingness to Sacrifice:

I spoke about making sacrifices a bit earlier in this post. As much as I’d like to exclude this, I can’t, because being a pastor’s wife means sacrifice.

It means giving up some of your weekends and holidays because your church is holding a special event. Being a pastor’s wife means being available at a moment’s notice for counseling or support.

It takes a special person with a heart for others to willingly make these sacrifices.

A Listening Ear:

As the first lady of the church you’re going to have be a listening ear for people within your congregation. I am a bonafide introvert, but when someone needs me I have to put on my PW hat and get to work.

A pastor’s wife needs to be able to listen without any judgment and offer support and guidance when someone needs it. You’ll also need to have patience, empathy, and a genuine desire to help others.

A Heart for the Community:

A pastor’s wife is not only a support system for the church, but also for the community. You must have a heart for the people in the community and be willing to reach out and serve them.

It doesn’t have to be difficult either, because there are many simple ways to service your church community.

This can include volunteering at local organizations, organizing outreach events, or simply being a positive presence in the community.

A Strong Marriage:

This one might go without saying but being a minister’s wife means having a good, strong marriage. You’re going to have to spend time with your husband and create a bond that heaven can be proud of.

Why? Well, because being a pastor’s wife can put a strain on a marriage. The demands of ministry can be all-consuming and never-ending as I mentioned above.

It takes a strong and supportive marriage to weather these challenges and come out on top.

A Love for God’s Word:

Lastly, as a pastor’s wife you need to have a love for God’s Word and a real desire to share it with others. I spent most of my youth in Bible study and on Bible quiz teams, so I know a fair amount when it comes to the Bible.

As a wife in ministry, I am often tempted to depend on what I learned all those years ago. But that’s not good.

I need to be knowledgeable about the Bible to be able to teach and guide others in their faith. To do this, I need to have a deep love for God and a passion for His Word.

Final Thoughts

There are many women both in and out of the church who don’t understand what it means to be a pastor’s wife. That’s why I wanted to write this blog post.

I wanted to give them a better understanding of the role. I also wanted to give them an idea of what it’s like should they marry a pastor.

It might not sound like sunshine and rainbows all the time, but it’s a beautiful calling. Knowing that God chose you to support this man that just wants to share the Good News with others is an amazing feeling.

To my fellow wives, I pray that you find encouragement and strength. This job isn’t easy but it’s a blessing.

All my love,

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