Are you experiencing abuse? Do you know where to turn to for help if your husband is abusive?
For the past few days I’ve been reading the story of Mica Miller, a pastor’s wife, who was found dead in Lumber River State Park. You can read more about it HERE.
Reading her story and the story of so many other ministry wives prompted me to write this post.
In this post I want to show you how to get help when your husband is abusive. I also want to share as much advice as I can give to help you get out of that situation as safely as possible.
This is going to be a long post so grab some tea, a notebook and a pen, and let’s get into it.
What Are The Warning Signs Your Husband Is Abusive?
As pastors’ wives, it’s important to understand and recognize the warning signs of abusive and controlling behavior in our husbands or others’ husbands.
Here are some things to look out for:
Isolation:
Your husband might try to isolate you from friends, family, or the community. For example, he may discourage you from spending time with loved ones or insist on accompanying you everywhere you go.
This may make you feel cut off from your support network.
Jealousy:
An abusive husband tends to be overly jealous.
Excessive jealousy or possessiveness over your actions or friendships is a huge red flag. For instance, your husband might constantly accuse you of flirting with others or become angry if you spend time with friends without him.
Manipulation:
Watch out for any and all manipulative tactics, such as guilt-tripping, projection or gaslighting.
If your husband uses phrases like, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do that,” this might make you feel responsible for his emotions or question your own perceptions of reality.
You are not misunderstanding things and you could possibly be in danger.
Disrespect:
Any form of disrespect, including belittling or demeaning language, should not be tolerated. If your husband mocks your opinions or dismisses your feelings then this is a slippery slope into an abusive situation.
This sort of treatment often makes you feel worthless or inferior.
Physical Violence:
Instances of physical violence or threats of violence are clear signs of abuse. This could include hitting, slapping, or using physical force to control or intimidate you.
Financial Control:
Your husband may exert control over your finances, such as restricting access to money or pressuring you to hand over full financial control.
He may monitor your spending habits closely, try to empty your savings or refuse to allow you to work outside the home.
Constant Monitoring:
Excessive monitoring of your activities is a violation of your privacy. A few examples of this abusive behavior is checking your phone, emails or social media without permission.
This behavior is a sign of distrust and the need to control you.
Extreme Mood Swings:
Rapid mood swings or never-ending mood swings should not be ignored. This is especially true if they result in emotional or verbal abuse.
Your husband may alternate between being loving and charming one moment. Then being angry or hostile the next.
These kinds of mood swings create an unpredictable and volatile environment.
Lack of Boundaries:
Ignoring your personal boundaries is a form of controlling and abusive behavior. Your husband may constantly try to invade your personal space.
He might even disregard your need for alone time by never leaving you alone. Your husband may even insist on knowing every detail of your life no matter how small or irrelevant it might seem.
Intimidation:
Threatening behavior or intimidation tactics are clear indicators that your husband is abusive.
For example, your husband may use threats of violence. He might use other forms of coercion to maintain power and control over you.
This can leave you feeling fearful or unsafe in your own home.
How Do I Know It’s Abuse and Not Struggles Of Marriage/Ministry?
It’s important to understand the difference between normal struggles in marriage and ministry and signs of abuse.
As a pastor’s wife and a Christian, here are some guidelines to help you differentiate one from the other:
- Seek Counsel: Talk to a trusted mentor, counselor, or another minister about your concerns. They can offer you much more guidance and perspective from an outside viewpoint.
- Educate Yourself: Learn about the different forms of abuse and the warning signs I mentioned above. Understanding the dynamics of abuse can help you recognize it more easily.
- Listen to Your Instincts: Trust your instincts and your feelings. If something doesn’t feel right to you or if you feel unsafe, take it seriously.
- Look At Biblical Principles: Compare your current experiences with Biblical principles of love, respect, and mutual submission in marriage. Abuse goes against these principles and often follows a pattern of power and control.
- Look for Patterns: Abuse often occurs in patterns, with repeated behavior that escalates over time. Take a mental note if you see a consistent pattern of harmful behavior by your husband.
- Consider Professional Help: If you’re unsure whether your experiences are abuse, get professional help from a counselor or therapist who specializes in domestic violence.
- Pray for Guidance: Pray for wisdom and discernment to recognize the truth. Trust that God will guide you and provide clarity in difficult situations.
How To Get Help When Your Husband Is Abusive
If you or someone you know is a pastor’s wife facing abuse, it’s important to prioritize your safety and seek help immediately.
Here are steps to consider when your husband is abusive:
Reach Out to Trusted Friends or Family:
Confide in trusted friends or family members about your situation. They can offer emotional support, help you assess your options, and provide a safe place to stay if needed.
Contact a Domestic Violence Hotline:
Call a domestic violence hotline or helpline for confidential support, information, and resources. Trained advocates can offer guidance on safety planning, legal options, and accessing shelter services.
Here is a detailed list of domestic abuse hotlines that you can use if your husband is abusive:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
www.ndvh.org
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255 (TALK)
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
1-800-537-2238
www.nrcdv.org and www.vawnet.org
Futures Without Violence: The National Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence
1-888-792-2873
www.futureswithoutviolence.org
National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health
1-312-726-7020 ext. 2011
www.nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org
Attend Support Groups:
Join a support group for survivors of domestic violence to connect with others who understand what you’re going through. Sharing experiences and learning from others can help you feel less alone and more empowered.
Develop a Safety Plan:
Create a safety plan tailored to your situation. This plan may include identifying safe places to go in an emergency, packing a bag with essential items, and establishing a code word or signal with trusted friends or family members.
I’ll explain how to create a safety plan in more detail below.
Contact Law Enforcement:
If you’re in immediate danger or experiencing physical violence, call emergency services. Law enforcement can intervene to ensure your safety and connect you with resources for protection.
Explore Legal Options:
Consult with a lawyer or legal aid organization to explore your legal options for protection, such as obtaining a restraining order or filing for divorce. They can help you understand your rights and navigate the legal process safely.
Access Counseling and Therapy:
Consider seeking counseling or therapy from a licensed mental health professional experienced in working with survivors of domestic violence. Therapy can provide you with emotional support, coping strategies, and tools for healing.
If you’re looking for some good online counseling resources, here are a few to help get you started:
Contact Local Resources:
Reach out to local domestic violence shelters, advocacy organizations, or faith-based initiatives that offer support services for survivors of abuse. They can provide emergency shelter, counseling, legal advocacy, and other resources.
Create a Support Network:
Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, and professionals who can offer ongoing encouragement and assistance as you navigate the challenges of leaving an abusive relationship.
Know Your Rights:
Familiarize yourself with your legal rights and protections as a survivor of domestic violence. Laws vary by location, so research local resources and advocacy organizations for information specific to your area.
How To Create A Safety Plan
Creating a safety plan is crucial for pastors’ wives who are experiencing abuse. Here’s a detailed guide on how to create one:
Identify Safe Spaces:
Identify safe places where you can go in case of an emergency. This could be a trusted friend or family member’s house, a domestic violence shelter, or a public place where you feel secure.
Pack an Emergency Bag:
Prepare an emergency bag with essential items that you may need if you have to leave quickly. Include important documents such as identification, passport, birth certificates, financial records, and any legal documents related to custody or protection orders.
Pack a change of clothes, toiletries, medication, cash, and important phone numbers.
Establish a Code Word or Signal:
Establish a code word or signal with a trusted friend, family member, or neighbor that indicates you need help. This can be used to alert them discreetly if you’re in danger or unable to speak freely.
Plan Your Escape Route:
Plan your escape route and practice it ahead of time. Identify exits and safe routes out of your home, and familiarize yourself with public places or shelters where you can seek refuge.
Secure Your Phone:
Keep your phone charged and accessible at all times. Memorize emergency contact numbers, including local law enforcement, domestic violence hotlines, and trusted friends or family members.
Consider keeping a spare phone or prepaid cell phone for emergencies.
Document Abuse Incidents:
Keep a record of abusive incidents, including dates, times, and descriptions of what happened. Take photos of any injuries or damage caused by the abuse.
Store this documentation in a safe place or share it with a trusted friend or family member.
Create a Safety Plan for Children:
If you have children, create a separate safety plan for them. Teach them how to call for help, identify safe adults they can reach out to, and establish a safe meeting place in case you get separated.
Creating a safety plan is an ongoing process, and it’s important to regularly review and update your plan as needed.
Final Thoughts
Finding hep when your husband is abusive can be a very difficult thing. But remember that your safety and well-being are of utmost importance.
You have the strength within you to break free from the cycle of abuse and create a life filled with love and happiness. Don’t hesitate to reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals for support and guidance.
As a pastor’s wife, and as a woman of God, you deserve a future free from fear and full of hope. Stay strong, and remember that brighter days are ahead.
All my love,
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I appreciate you being here! Happy reading!
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