How To Submit To Your Husband When He’s Cruel

Do you know how to submit to your husband? Are you struggling to submit to your husband when he is downright mean to you? You’re not alone!

As a pastor’s wife (or a wife in general), you may feel pressure to have a perfect marriage and always submit to your husband. But what happens when your husband is cruel or unloving? How do you continue to submit to him in those difficult times?

In this blog post, we’ll talk about how to handle it when your husband, who is a pastor, is cruel. I know it might be difficult now, but trust me, it doesn’t have to be!

 

 

Why Should We Submit To Our Husbands?

As a pastor’s wife, learning how to submit to your husband is something that can be both challenging and rewarding, especially in ministry. Submission often gets a really bad reputation, but when we look at it through the lens of the Bible, we see that it’s really about love, respect, and partnership.

It’s about trusting God’s order for marriage and embracing the unique role we play in supporting our pastor husbands. Let’s break it down!

 

Submission is a Partnership, Not a Power Struggle:

First off, submitting to your husband as a pastor’s wife doesn’t mean losing your voice or identity. Ephesians 5:22-24 says, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour.”

Notice that submission here is compared to how we submit to Christ. It’s a partnership based on love and respect, not control or oppression of any kind.

Submission means we recognise and honour our husband’s role as the spiritual leader, especially in the context of ministry. It’s about supporting him as he leads the church, and in return, he loves and honours us as Christ loves the church.

That’s not about power—it’s about working together for a greater purpose.

 

It Strengthens Your Marriage and Ministry:

Ministry can be so demanding, and as pastor’s wives, we need to be our husbands’ strongest supporters. Submitting to your husband helps create unity, both in your marriage and in how you serve the church.

When you’re both on the same page and following God’s design for marriage, it helps your husband feel supported and respected. This in turn strengthens your relationship.

1 Peter 3:1-2 encourages wives to “submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

While this is speaking to wives of unbelievers, the principle applies to all marriages: our actions and attitude toward our husbands can speak volumes. When we support and submit to our husbands, it creates an atmosphere of peace and unity that benefits both the marriage and the ministry.

 

It’s About Trusting God’s Design:

One of the most important reasons to submit to your husband is that it shows trust in God’s design for marriage.

Genesis 2:18 says, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” As pastor’s wives, we are our husband’s helpers—not in a demeaning sense, but as partners who come alongside them to fulfil God’s calling on their lives and in the church.

Submitting to your husband means trusting that God placed him in the leadership role for a reason. It also means that by supporting him, you’re also supporting God’s work in your marriage and ministry.

This kind of trust can be hard at times, especially when you feel overwhelmed by the pressures of ministry, but it’s a powerful way to honour both your husband and God.

 

 

Submission is Rooted in Love:

At its core, biblical submission is all about love. Ephesians 5:33 says, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

The Bible doesn’t just command wives to submit; it calls husbands to love their wives with a Christ-like, sacrificial love. When your husband loves and leads you in that way, submission becomes much easier because you know he has your best interest at heart.

As pastor’s wives, we’re in a unique position where our husband’s role as the leader of the home and the church can sometimes overlap.

By submitting in love, we can help our husbands lead with grace and wisdom, knowing that we’re their biggest cheerleaders and prayer warriors. That’s the kind of love that can transform both your marriage and ministry.

 

Submission Reflects Christ’s Example:

Lastly, one of the most beautiful things about submission is that it reflects Christ’s own example of humility and obedience.

Philippians 2:5-8 says, “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant.”

Jesus submitted to the Father’s will, not because He was less, but because He was fulfilling a purpose greater than Himself.

When we submit to our husbands, we’re following Christ’s example of humility and service. It’s a way to demonstrate our love for God by, again, trusting His plan for our marriage and ministry.

 

How To Submit To Your Husband When He Is Cruel

When your husband is being cruel, the idea of submission can feel confusing and incredibly difficult.

Learning how to submit to your husband in this situation doesn’t mean accepting abuse or enduring mistreatment in silence. Instead, it means leaning on God’s strength to navigate through these hard moments.

Here are 10 ways to submit when you’re facing cruelty, while still protecting your heart and maintaining your dignity:

 

Submit First to God:

When your husband is cruel, your first priority should be submitting to God. Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.”

Your ultimate submission is to God, who sees and knows your pain. Turn to Him for guidance, wisdom, and comfort in these difficult moments.

 

Maintain Your Respect:

Even when your husband is unkind, it’s important to maintain a level of respect. Ephesians 5:33 calls wives to respect their husbands.

This doesn’t mean approving of bad behaviour, but treating him with dignity while expressing your hurt. Respect can look like choosing calm words instead of lashing out, even when you’re hurting.

For example, instead of responding to his cruelty with anger, calmly say, “I love you, but the way you’re speaking to me right now is hurtful.”

 

Pray for Your Husband:

One of the most powerful ways you can submit is through prayer. Philippians 4:6 encourages us to “present your requests to God.”

When your husband is being cruel, submit your heart to God in prayer. Ask Him to soften your husband’s heart and for the strength to endure.

Prayer is a quiet form of submission because it shows that you trust God to work on your behalf. You can pray for wisdom, for peace in your home, and even for your husband’s transformation.

 

Set Healthy Boundaries:

Submission doesn’t mean tolerating cruelty or abuse. Setting boundaries is not only necessary, but it’s also biblical.

Galatians 6:2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfil the law of Christ.” This applies to both emotional and physical burdens.

You can say, “I love and respect you, but I will not allow you to speak to me in this way.” Setting boundaries shows that you value yourself as God’s child and will not allow cruelty to destroy your peace.

 

Seek Wise Counsel:

When cruelty is ongoing, it is so important for you to seek guidance.

Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Find a trusted mentor, counsellor, or church leader who can provide wisdom and support.

Talking to someone who understands your role as a pastor’s wife can help you discern the best course of action, especially when it comes to submitting while still protecting yourself emotionally.

 

 

Guard Your Heart:

Proverbs 4:23 reminds us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Submission doesn’t mean allowing cruelty to break your spirit. Guarding your heart is about protecting your emotional well-being while still living in obedience to God’s design for marriage.

You can guard your heart by spending time in God’s Word. Surround yourself with positive influences, and set time aside for self-care, so you’re not emotionally drained by the situation.

 

Stay in the Word:

God’s Word is your anchor during times of cruelty. Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.”

When your husband is cruel, dive into Scripture and find strength, wisdom, and comfort. Submitting to your husband in a Christ-like way means being rooted in the Word, allowing God to guide your responses.

For example, meditate on verses that encourage peace and patience, like Colossians 3:12: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

 

Choose Your Battles Wisely:

Not every situation requires a confrontation.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” Sometimes, submitting to your husband means choosing to let go of smaller hurts and trusting God with the bigger picture.

This doesn’t mean you ignore cruelty, but you can prayerfully discern which issues need addressing and which ones you can release to God.

 

Be an Example of Christ’s Love:

Romans 12:17 reminds us, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil.”

Submitting in a cruel marriage means striving to reflect Christ’s love, even when it’s hard. Be an example of grace and patience, showing your husband what it means to love like Jesus.

For instance, respond with kindness when your husband is short-tempered or rude.

Show your husband that your love isn’t conditional on his behaviour. This doesn’t mean tolerating abuse, but it does mean choosing a Christ-like response.

 

Know When to Step Back:

Submission doesn’t mean enduring cruelty indefinitely. If your husband’s cruelty escalates to abuse, it’s important to remove yourself from harm.

Matthew 18:15-17 talks about confronting sin and taking steps when someone refuses to repent.

In cases of serious emotional or physical harm, stepping back is not only wise but necessary for your safety.

Submitting to your husband is about living out God’s design for marriage, but it should never come at the expense of your mental, emotional, or physical well-being.

 

Final Thoughts

Submitting to your husband, especially during difficult times, is one of the hardest challenges we can face as pastor’s wives. But it’s important to remember that submission doesn’t mean tolerating cruelty or abuse.

It’s about trusting God, leaning on His strength, and setting healthy boundaries when needed. In those tough moments, we have an opportunity to reflect Christ’s love, even when it feels impossible.

If you’re struggling with this, you’re not alone. Share your thoughts, experiences, and prayers in the comments below—let’s support each other on this journey. And if you think someone else could benefit from this, feel free to share this post with them.

Let’s encourage one another as we strive to honour God in our marriages and serve in ministry with grace and wisdom.

All my love,

 

 

 

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